Life happens fast!!  I think often of how I should get on this site and write more...document my life a little more for family but then I get busy and don't think to do it.  I guess I am sometimes too busy living life and thus don't write about life....until moments like tonight!!  :)

Its May already.  School will be out before long and then I'll have almost 8 glorious weeks to "play". I have my Missouri vacation planned and can hardly wait to see family again.  It feels like forever since I have seen Colin and Alyssa.  I know they have grown so much since last December when I saw them!  I think Alyssa might be forgetting who I am a little bit because she has stopped wanting to talk to me on the phone.

It will also be good to spend time with Dad.  I worry about him and although I know Charla and Brad would let me know if anything was wrong; it will be good to see it for myself.  I love my father with all my heart and wish that I could live closer to him.

We lost Mayer on March 28th.  He was 13 years old and had lived a good life.  Unfortunately he had started to go blind and had a huge tumor on his neck that was more than likely cancerous.  Taking him to the vet to have him put to sleep was so dang hard.  When the time came, though, he laid on the blanket  beside where I was sitting.  The vet administered the first drug and he started to snore like he always did when he slept hard.  It made me smile for an instant and then with the administration of the second drug, he was gone.  I have to believe that he is in a better place; jumping and running and sleeping in the sun.  The life he had with us during his last months was not the life I hope he has now.

Since losing Mayer, Buster and Dot have adjusted. Buster misses Mayer more than I thought he would but Dot has proven to be fickle.  She has moved her affections from Mayer to Duane!  Now she is constantly seeking him out and wanting his attention.

Well, that's about all I can think of for now.  I'll try to write a time or two this summer....but don't hold your breath!!  :)

Sad for Kids

This will be a short blog but I just have to write something. I am so sad today for my children. Last June, they lost their Grandfather to Alzheimer's. It was a blessing in a way as this man had been so vibrant and interactive his whole life. He was a man who loved meeting people and although I have not been a part of the family for over 10 years, I will always remember him as one who was happiest when he was with family and friends. He loved to talk and joke.

In August, less than 2 months later, my mother passed away unexpectedly. No one saw it coming and it was quite a shock. She was one who loved her family more than anything. Although she and I had a rough start in my early years and during the first years of my marriage to the kids' father, we had made our peace. I had just seen her in July and had enjoyed my visit with her more than I could say. My kids lost the grandmother who was always cooking for them and trying to find the one thing that she could do that would make them the happiest. She was not a physically affectionate woman but she loved deeply all the same.

Now, a little over 2 months later, they are losing their maternal grandmother. She has given up on life and made the choice to stop eating and drinking. She just could not face life without her husband and the rest of her family was not able to motivate her to keep going. We have just heard that it will be just a few days now and she will be with him once again. I was not fond of my ex mother in law but she loved the kids. When they were little she loved to take them up to the gazebo and have "picnics". She loved coming to Chandler to visit with them and always wanted to play with them or hear what was going on in their lives. It will be a sad day when they hear that she has left this Earth and I am so sorry for that. I wish I could spare them the pain of losing yet another grandparent.

The good thing is that my dad seems to be doing well. He misses Mom but he keeps going. I think he does not see himself sticking around for 10 or 20 years but I also do not think he will be passing until his health has failed. He is out with friends, visiting on the phone with others, trying to do some things around the house that he has always enjoyed doing, cooking for my brother in law when he comes it, etc. For that I am grateful as my children need a break from losing their grandparents so closely together.

Full of Thoughts

I'm sitting here at my lunch just full of thoughts; thoughts about work, thoughts about life, thoughts about my business, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.....

It has hit me again at how much I miss Mom. I can get up and go to work. I can live my life. I can look forward to the future. But deep down is this underlying thought that I miss my Mom. It is in everything I do. People keep saying, "With time, things will get better" and while I believe that, I keep secretely wondering when that will happen. I talk to Dad every week and that is good for me. I see how he goes on and I know that deep inside him, he misses Mom every minute of every day even more than me. He can laugh and joke and look forward to upcoming events but every now and then he lets it slip how much he misses her. He talks of "being bored" and I know its because she always had him running. He very seldom ever had a moment to himself to do what he wanted and this alone time is drastically different for him.....but he still misses Mom.

I am hating school this year. No..maybe that is too strong. I am having little patience with school this year. I have teachers and parents demanding the unreasonable and emotionally I just am not up for it. I have requested a meeting with one teacher and although she has read my email, she has not responded to it. That is just mean and uncalled for. I will try again tomorrow when I am over there but I really do not think she will be available to talk to. There is still 151 days of school left. When those days are gone, will I be able to work just Keeling and Associates? I sure hope so. I have to make sure those bills are paid off though so that when all is said and done, we can live on Duane's salary.

The thing that brings me incredible joy in spite of all my doom and gloom are the kids and grandkids. Yesterday, Shannon posted a YouTube video of Colin climbing the stairs. Oh my gosh...I must have had a smile from ear to ear plastered to my face when I watched it this morning. What a little munchkin!! He was so proud of himself climbing those stairs and when he saw Chris behind him his smile would have made the most wretched feel good inside. And there is nothing in the world to me like Alyssa saying, "Hi Grandma!" I miss her so much and so look forward to seeing her when I go back for Colin's birthday party. She throws herself into my arms and the world is better than all right. Shannon and Chris are doing good and they allow me to be a part of their lives. I am so grateful that my daughter is not only my daughter but my friend as well. I will always be her Mom but I no longer "mother" her unless she asks for it. How wonderful is it to know you have raised a daughter to be a good wife and mother? And Michael is so much better. He is working hard and doing things that make him feel successful and satisfied. I see him laughing a little easier these days than he has been in past months. I think of all he has been through since his car accident in 2009 and am so pleased that he has been able to overcome these things and be a better person for it.

Well, I guess in spite of me having more thoughts, I should get this posted and get back to work. Lunch time is almost over and I feel a little better for having gotten all of this down. I'll try to write again soon.

I knew it had been a long time since I had blogged and I even remember what my last blog was about. I was so sad because of Mom's decline and I was going to document my relationship with her; but after I wrote that last blog, I just couldn't go on. I was so sad to see her declining the way she was and I was powerless to stop it. I couldn't rage and make it stop, I couldn't be joyous and make it stop and I couldn't pray heavenward and make it stop. I was powerless to stop any of it.

Over a year passed and Mom passed away unexpectedly in her sleep in the nursing home. She had been taken to the hospital the week before because she was so fluid filled, confused, and her cognitive abilities had declined rather rapidly. Charla went there and so her condition and demanded, rightfully so I have to add, that Dad take her to the hospital. The doctor agreed that she needed to be hospitalized and once there they were very concerned about the amount of fluid that was around her heart. Once they had taken care of that, they started the process, again, of putting her in the nursing home. She had been in the nursing home once before and Dad had brought her home but this time, it was probably going to be for good. They had started to talk to Dad about how he was not going to be able to continue to care for Mom at home and we (the kids) were in agreement. Our stand was going to be that if she was going to come home, he was going to have to accept some help..nursing as well has home care. They sent her to the nursing home for two weeks and then he was going to have to make a decision.

The morning of August 7th, I spoke to Dad on the phone. He sounded good. His voice was good, he sounded happy and he sounded well rested. He told me that Mom's vital signs were extremely good. He stated that she was still pretty confused but he had hopes that maybe she was starting to make some small improvements. He did not know yet if he was going to bring her home but he had hopes. Later that day I spent an hour on the phone talking with Charla about everything under the sun. Then I let her go so I could eat dinner. After dinner, I was folding clothes when my phone rang and I saw it was Charla. I thought she had forgotten to tell me something and so when she said, "Patti, we've lost her." I was not understanding. I asked her to repeat what she had said and she said, "We've lost Mom. She passed away." I was in shock and all I could think was, "This can't be true and I've got to get home". I was in shock. Charla went on to say that Dad had just gotten the news and he was on the way to the nursing home to see Mom and find out what had happened.

Needless to say, the days that followed were busy. All of us came together. Charla got home first and the amount of work and support she gave Dad was amazing. She did such a good job and was such a wonderful support for all of us. I was talking to Duane after I was in Centralia and made some comment about Charla organizing all of us. He wasn't sure if I was okay with that and I said, "Yes. There can only be one chief and she is the chief right now. She is doing a good job too." The visitation and funeral service was all that Mom could have hoped it would be. I do believe that she would have been pleased.

The month since Mom's death has been both a relief and extremely sad. I know that Mom's quality of life was decreasing significantly quickly and she would never have wanted to live that way. However, losing a parent is one of the hardest life experiences one ever goes through. I miss her. I miss thinking of things to talk about with her. I miss knowing that I have a mom out there. I will miss her everyday for the rest of my life. It's not that she was a part of my day to day life, but she was and always will be a part of me. The only harder death I could ever imagine would be the death of a child.

Since blogging, I have to mention that I have another wonderful grandchild. On Nov. 29th, 2010, Shannon gave birth to Colin James. He has grown into a wonderful child who is happy more often than not and a great addition to our family. Alyssa adores him and he adores her. I love watching them interact with each other and can only imagine how much fun it will be as they grow. Shannon and Chris are wonderful parents and I know they adore both of their children as well.

I am going to try to blog more often. I just couldn't make myself come back here and finish what I had started. Now, though, I think I will try to make this about things that happen over time.

Until next time.

Blogs are all the rage. Blogs about everyday life. Blogs about giving birth to a special needs child. Blogs about celebrities. Blogs about just about anything and everything. But one thing I haven't found is a blog about how I feel inside when I talk to my mom.

Mom and I have had a relationship filled with extremes. Usually the bad kind of extreme. I am not sure when it really started although I think I was aware as a very young child that she and I did not see eye to eye about life. There was no sensitivity to my feelings or nurturing of those feelings. One of my very first memories was of Mom taking a nap (because she was pregnant, I think. More than likely I was supposed to be napping too.) and I got into her make up. I must have watched her put on her make up because I remember being frustrated that I couldn't see the mirror to put on the lipstick. I did the best I could and then I went into the living room to sit and wait for Mom to see how beautiful I was with my make up on. Sure enough she woke up and came through the living room, took one look at me and burst into laughter proclaiming that I looked like a clown. I remember how hurt I was because she did not think I was pretty; rather she thought I was ugly...a clown. From that moment forward most of my memories of Mom involve conflict. Some conflict that was very public and some that was kept inside and buried deep down inside of me.

As the years have passed, I have come to terms with the mother I have and stopped longing for the mother I truly wanted to have. Instead, my goal in life was to be the kind of mother that I wished for so badly. And I think I was successful. My daughter and I are very close. My son and I are equally as close. They know that I would do anything for them; that they can count on me to listen to them, rejoice with them, cry with them and be their rock if they are struggling with their life storms. There is absolutely nothing that would keep me from them and I rejoice that they know this. Both of them are strong independent people who love others deeply, laugh heartily and are compassionate. But I digress. As the years have passed, I have made my peace with my mother. When I find her annoying or seeing her trying to anger me, I remind myself that she loves me as best she can and the taunting is an old habit that will not die until she does.

But that is the rub. She is dying. Slowly but surely, inch by inch. My mother is dying and I am sad. Why should I be so sad when she has caused me so much anguish in my lifetime? But I am sad because I love her in spite of the mother she was to me. I know her. I understand her better than she realizes. It makes me sad to see what is happening to her.

It all started almost a year ago...really started..yes, she had been declining before that but in slower increments. But on June 19, 2009, my mother had a spinal cord stroke that left her left leg useless. I thanked God that I was in the state when it happened and that I could be there to support her and dad...to talk to doctors and therapists..to understand what was happening and what the course of treatment would be first hand. My sister and I are close and together we would do what needed to be done to support the folks. For once, I would be useful to the family and they would be grateful for my love and support.

Well...yes and no. Old habits die hard and while I may have made peace with my family, it appeared as if my family and I were not on the same page. Those first weeks after Mom's stroke brought so many hurt feelings it was beyond belief. My sister and I clashed. My brothers would not return my calls and Mom shut me out. Totally. Hippa laws protect that patient's rights and she exercised hers to shut me from the direct contact with doctors and therapists. I wondered if I was even really a member of the family. Maybe I was a stranger born into their midst, raised by them but never really "one of them." It was a very painful time.

Time does heal all wounds though. My sister and I reconciled. I talk occasionally to one of my brothers and I talk every week at least once a week to my parents. Mom wants to walk again. Doctors and therapists would tell her that she would. She was in therapy but she wasn't working to learn all that she needed to learn because in her mind, she was going to spring from the bed or the wheelchair and walk again just as she had before she had the stroke. Week by week she held out hope that she would walk. She set dates. I'll be walking by Thanksgiving, Christmas...my birthday she would declare. The dates would come and go and she would sink a little deeper into herself. She blamed the therapists, the doctors, dad, and God. She never put it together that the medications she had to take to control her RA held a great deal of responsiblity for her physical condition. God must not love me she proclaimed to me the other week. And why do you say that, Mom I ask? Because He isn't letting me get better and walk. I cry inside all the while staying calm and rational in the face of her irrationality.

To be continued......

Its been March since I blogged???? Wow, where does the time go??

It is May 1st. I am watching the Kentucky Derby early races and I think: Why didn't I move to Kentucky when I was young? Why didn't I try to get on with a horse farm when I was a kid? I so love horses and watching the races thrills me. My heart is in my throat as I pray no horse falls and gets hurt on the wet track and thrills when I see a horse from the back come around and take the lead. Since I have no "favorite" it really doesn't matter to me who wins and who doesn't. I do like Kentucky Derby Day.

School is almost over for this year. I am glad. It has been a good year and I have not had any serious issues past October but I am finding as I get closer to retirement that it is harder and harder for me to motivate myself to get things done as quickly as I should. I mean I get my stuff done in time but it doesn't have the same gratification.

It has been nice to have Duane home from Canada. I have to share him with Oregon every week to two weeks but at least he is home for a week to two weeks too. I am handling that really well. His last trip home was so awesome. From the time I picked him up at the airport until the time I took him back we had lots of laughs, good talks and time together. It is like we were almost always on the same thought pattern. I felt really close to him and still do even though he is in Oregon right now. This project could last Duane a couple of years. I am good with that.

Gonna have a bladder biopsy on Thursday. I was pretty nervous about it until I got to talk to my own primary care doctor. He has reassured me that while the procedure may cause me some pain when it is over, it is good to have done. Chances are good that everything will be fine. In fact there is a better chance that things will be fine than there are that things will not be fine so I am just wanting to get it all over with now. I generally handle pain okay so long as it declines day by day so that is where I am the most nervous. But what I know is that we do what we have to do and we handle what we have to handle when the time comes.

Mom is struggling. The doctors have told her that she probably won't walk/one has said she definitely wouldn't walk...the other said...never say never. However, she is filling up with fluid and unless she gets a catheter in soon, things are going to go south for her quickly when it finally happens. I worry for her. When she talks to me she says stuff like "God doesn't love me" and "I don't know why this has happened to me". I have talked to her a lot about this not being a measuring stick of God's love. What it shows me is how much she associates "love" with "getting her way". If someone doesn't give her what she wants when she wants it, then that person doesn't love her. How sad. But Dad has helped to cement that thought process in Mom's mind. Still, I don't wish these things on my parents and I worry for both of them. I just feel that Mom is not doing well.

Well, I want to pay a little more attention to the t.v. and the Derby while doing some cross stitching, so I am going to end this now. I will write more another time. Maybe next Friday after the biopsy.

Have a great day!!!

This past week, Shannon put onto a blog by a woman (girl actually) who, at 31 had her second child. The child has Down's. For those of us who work in special education, we know that having a child with Down's is not the end of the world. In fact, Down's children are generally the angels on Earth. Seeing them smile, makes my day. I can make a smile last for over a week and through the worst of behaviors. Just give me a smile!!

But that made me think...why do some of us get through bad times while others of us get pulled down into the depths of despair? Why do some of us weather those bad times and come out on the other side all right while others of us never recover from it? And at what point do some of us realize that the "bad times" were not really so bad after all?

In thinking about my own experiences and those of my friends and family, I have decided the key is whether we feel sorry for ourselves or not. If we have a sense of entitlement the This-should-not-be-happening-to-me feeling, then we are more likely to suffer through this 'bad time" worse for the wear. We let this experience bog us down, keep us up at night, and all in all impact our everyday life. We begin to see this as a something that will go on for our lifetime rather than realizing that it might be only for the moment.

For those of us who see this bad experience as "momentary", we are more likely to get through it much better. It may keep us awake one or two nights, it might bog us down for a week or so and it might impact our life in a temporary way, but we know it will all be "better in the morning". We look for the "good" in the day cuz we simply cannot take any more "bad". And in looking for the "good" we start to see more good than we expected to see. The child's smile, the beautiful sky, the unexpected interaction with a good friend....all add together to make our day "good". Very seldom is it a BIG thing that makes our day good; rather it is the culmination of many small things.

Certainly, there are lifetime events that don't go away in the morning. Having a baby with Down's or having a stroke or being in an accident that changes who you are and the things you are able to do. None of those things are "momentary". They are life changing events. But I think the philosophy is still the same. Rather than wallow in the "bad", you start to look for the "good". You see the smile of your baby and the recognition that you are important to him/her past being a feeding machine, you make small progressive steps in your life that make you more independent and you redefine who you are and what you can do and then you see all of that as "Good". Suddenly, the bad is not so bad and then the bad is easier to live with and then the bad is all behind you.

I pray that no matter what happens in my life that I am able to always find the good in my day. Talking to Shannon or Michael is good. Watching Alyssa play, sing, dance, talk, walk, laugh, grow is very good in my day. Doing a good job at work is good in my day. Spending time with my husband and appreciating him for who he is is "good" in my day. Yes, I have had bad times. I have been curled on the floor sobbing as if there was no hope for tomorrow. But somehow or another, I have been able to lift my head after a period of time and start looking for the good. I want to always be that way. May I never get lost in that "feel sorry for me" world. That is NOT who I want to be or how I want people to remember me.

Just my thoughts for today!!