I'm sitting here at my lunch just full of thoughts; thoughts about work, thoughts about life, thoughts about my business, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.....
It has hit me again at how much I miss Mom. I can get up and go to work. I can live my life. I can look forward to the future. But deep down is this underlying thought that I miss my Mom. It is in everything I do. People keep saying, "With time, things will get better" and while I believe that, I keep secretely wondering when that will happen. I talk to Dad every week and that is good for me. I see how he goes on and I know that deep inside him, he misses Mom every minute of every day even more than me. He can laugh and joke and look forward to upcoming events but every now and then he lets it slip how much he misses her. He talks of "being bored" and I know its because she always had him running. He very seldom ever had a moment to himself to do what he wanted and this alone time is drastically different for him.....but he still misses Mom.
I am hating school this year. No..maybe that is too strong. I am having little patience with school this year. I have teachers and parents demanding the unreasonable and emotionally I just am not up for it. I have requested a meeting with one teacher and although she has read my email, she has not responded to it. That is just mean and uncalled for. I will try again tomorrow when I am over there but I really do not think she will be available to talk to. There is still 151 days of school left. When those days are gone, will I be able to work just Keeling and Associates? I sure hope so. I have to make sure those bills are paid off though so that when all is said and done, we can live on Duane's salary.
The thing that brings me incredible joy in spite of all my doom and gloom are the kids and grandkids. Yesterday, Shannon posted a YouTube video of Colin climbing the stairs. Oh my gosh...I must have had a smile from ear to ear plastered to my face when I watched it this morning. What a little munchkin!! He was so proud of himself climbing those stairs and when he saw Chris behind him his smile would have made the most wretched feel good inside. And there is nothing in the world to me like Alyssa saying, "Hi Grandma!" I miss her so much and so look forward to seeing her when I go back for Colin's birthday party. She throws herself into my arms and the world is better than all right. Shannon and Chris are doing good and they allow me to be a part of their lives. I am so grateful that my daughter is not only my daughter but my friend as well. I will always be her Mom but I no longer "mother" her unless she asks for it. How wonderful is it to know you have raised a daughter to be a good wife and mother? And Michael is so much better. He is working hard and doing things that make him feel successful and satisfied. I see him laughing a little easier these days than he has been in past months. I think of all he has been through since his car accident in 2009 and am so pleased that he has been able to overcome these things and be a better person for it.
Well, I guess in spite of me having more thoughts, I should get this posted and get back to work. Lunch time is almost over and I feel a little better for having gotten all of this down. I'll try to write again soon.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
I knew it had been a long time since I had blogged and I even remember what my last blog was about. I was so sad because of Mom's decline and I was going to document my relationship with her; but after I wrote that last blog, I just couldn't go on. I was so sad to see her declining the way she was and I was powerless to stop it. I couldn't rage and make it stop, I couldn't be joyous and make it stop and I couldn't pray heavenward and make it stop. I was powerless to stop any of it.
Over a year passed and Mom passed away unexpectedly in her sleep in the nursing home. She had been taken to the hospital the week before because she was so fluid filled, confused, and her cognitive abilities had declined rather rapidly. Charla went there and so her condition and demanded, rightfully so I have to add, that Dad take her to the hospital. The doctor agreed that she needed to be hospitalized and once there they were very concerned about the amount of fluid that was around her heart. Once they had taken care of that, they started the process, again, of putting her in the nursing home. She had been in the nursing home once before and Dad had brought her home but this time, it was probably going to be for good. They had started to talk to Dad about how he was not going to be able to continue to care for Mom at home and we (the kids) were in agreement. Our stand was going to be that if she was going to come home, he was going to have to accept some help..nursing as well has home care. They sent her to the nursing home for two weeks and then he was going to have to make a decision.
The morning of August 7th, I spoke to Dad on the phone. He sounded good. His voice was good, he sounded happy and he sounded well rested. He told me that Mom's vital signs were extremely good. He stated that she was still pretty confused but he had hopes that maybe she was starting to make some small improvements. He did not know yet if he was going to bring her home but he had hopes. Later that day I spent an hour on the phone talking with Charla about everything under the sun. Then I let her go so I could eat dinner. After dinner, I was folding clothes when my phone rang and I saw it was Charla. I thought she had forgotten to tell me something and so when she said, "Patti, we've lost her." I was not understanding. I asked her to repeat what she had said and she said, "We've lost Mom. She passed away." I was in shock and all I could think was, "This can't be true and I've got to get home". I was in shock. Charla went on to say that Dad had just gotten the news and he was on the way to the nursing home to see Mom and find out what had happened.
Needless to say, the days that followed were busy. All of us came together. Charla got home first and the amount of work and support she gave Dad was amazing. She did such a good job and was such a wonderful support for all of us. I was talking to Duane after I was in Centralia and made some comment about Charla organizing all of us. He wasn't sure if I was okay with that and I said, "Yes. There can only be one chief and she is the chief right now. She is doing a good job too." The visitation and funeral service was all that Mom could have hoped it would be. I do believe that she would have been pleased.
The month since Mom's death has been both a relief and extremely sad. I know that Mom's quality of life was decreasing significantly quickly and she would never have wanted to live that way. However, losing a parent is one of the hardest life experiences one ever goes through. I miss her. I miss thinking of things to talk about with her. I miss knowing that I have a mom out there. I will miss her everyday for the rest of my life. It's not that she was a part of my day to day life, but she was and always will be a part of me. The only harder death I could ever imagine would be the death of a child.
Since blogging, I have to mention that I have another wonderful grandchild. On Nov. 29th, 2010, Shannon gave birth to Colin James. He has grown into a wonderful child who is happy more often than not and a great addition to our family. Alyssa adores him and he adores her. I love watching them interact with each other and can only imagine how much fun it will be as they grow. Shannon and Chris are wonderful parents and I know they adore both of their children as well.
I am going to try to blog more often. I just couldn't make myself come back here and finish what I had started. Now, though, I think I will try to make this about things that happen over time.
Until next time.
Over a year passed and Mom passed away unexpectedly in her sleep in the nursing home. She had been taken to the hospital the week before because she was so fluid filled, confused, and her cognitive abilities had declined rather rapidly. Charla went there and so her condition and demanded, rightfully so I have to add, that Dad take her to the hospital. The doctor agreed that she needed to be hospitalized and once there they were very concerned about the amount of fluid that was around her heart. Once they had taken care of that, they started the process, again, of putting her in the nursing home. She had been in the nursing home once before and Dad had brought her home but this time, it was probably going to be for good. They had started to talk to Dad about how he was not going to be able to continue to care for Mom at home and we (the kids) were in agreement. Our stand was going to be that if she was going to come home, he was going to have to accept some help..nursing as well has home care. They sent her to the nursing home for two weeks and then he was going to have to make a decision.
The morning of August 7th, I spoke to Dad on the phone. He sounded good. His voice was good, he sounded happy and he sounded well rested. He told me that Mom's vital signs were extremely good. He stated that she was still pretty confused but he had hopes that maybe she was starting to make some small improvements. He did not know yet if he was going to bring her home but he had hopes. Later that day I spent an hour on the phone talking with Charla about everything under the sun. Then I let her go so I could eat dinner. After dinner, I was folding clothes when my phone rang and I saw it was Charla. I thought she had forgotten to tell me something and so when she said, "Patti, we've lost her." I was not understanding. I asked her to repeat what she had said and she said, "We've lost Mom. She passed away." I was in shock and all I could think was, "This can't be true and I've got to get home". I was in shock. Charla went on to say that Dad had just gotten the news and he was on the way to the nursing home to see Mom and find out what had happened.
Needless to say, the days that followed were busy. All of us came together. Charla got home first and the amount of work and support she gave Dad was amazing. She did such a good job and was such a wonderful support for all of us. I was talking to Duane after I was in Centralia and made some comment about Charla organizing all of us. He wasn't sure if I was okay with that and I said, "Yes. There can only be one chief and she is the chief right now. She is doing a good job too." The visitation and funeral service was all that Mom could have hoped it would be. I do believe that she would have been pleased.
The month since Mom's death has been both a relief and extremely sad. I know that Mom's quality of life was decreasing significantly quickly and she would never have wanted to live that way. However, losing a parent is one of the hardest life experiences one ever goes through. I miss her. I miss thinking of things to talk about with her. I miss knowing that I have a mom out there. I will miss her everyday for the rest of my life. It's not that she was a part of my day to day life, but she was and always will be a part of me. The only harder death I could ever imagine would be the death of a child.
Since blogging, I have to mention that I have another wonderful grandchild. On Nov. 29th, 2010, Shannon gave birth to Colin James. He has grown into a wonderful child who is happy more often than not and a great addition to our family. Alyssa adores him and he adores her. I love watching them interact with each other and can only imagine how much fun it will be as they grow. Shannon and Chris are wonderful parents and I know they adore both of their children as well.
I am going to try to blog more often. I just couldn't make myself come back here and finish what I had started. Now, though, I think I will try to make this about things that happen over time.
Until next time.
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